Messy Motives

Have you ever been in a place where the rug gets swept out from underneath you? Your foundation gets shaken and you are left asking yourself what happened? How did everything get so messy? This has been my life for what feels like a century! Lately I’ve been asking God questions. Questions like “How did I get so off track?” “How did I become so isolated?” “Why do I feel so alone?”

Maybe you can relate…

Last night as I was asking God some of these questions he said “Jordan, your motive for walking with me got a little messy. You started to care more about following and fitting in with my people, than you cared about following and walking with me.” Ouch.

But we do that don’t we? It’s so easy to get the lines crossed. We are called to love God and love people.. in that order. But sometimes we get so busy loving the people, that we forget about our first love.

So I started to reflect on the last year of my life… on my underground season.. this messy, lonely season. I realized that somewhere along the way I missed it… the big mark that said this is the way.. walk in it.. I missed it because I was too busy watching all the people walking towards The Way.unnamed

It wasn’t that I was a messed up person, but my motive for following Jesus had gotten a little messy. Was it for fame? To build my own kingdom? For the people I wanted to help? I’m not really sure how I missed the mark, but somewhere I began following the people instead of my Jesus. I got swept up in “the christian walk.”

But then it happened.

 

The time came when the people I had been following hurt me. Broke my spirit. Left me empty handed and confused. I found myself all of a sudden standing on the road I had been walking with no hope in sight… because when your faith is built on people, and then the people hurt you,  you’re left on a lonely road.. confused and abandoned. Where do I go now? What do I do now? I was following Jesus..really I was.. But then it hit me…

If I was truly following Jesus then how did my world come crashing down when the people let me down? If my foundation was Jesus wouldn’t I have been able to keep going after I was hurt?

 

Somewhere I shifted. My foundation started out built on Jesus but then I began to build it on people. The lines got a little bit messy and crossed.

So here I am now.. with a new revelation.. the revelation that when our motives get messy, Jesus never does. The beautiful thing about God is that every time we get it wrong, he gently pulls us back. We are like sheep that wander off… He just gently pulls us back to himself.

Maybe you have been like me… a sheep following the herd, instead of the shepherd.. let’s together take a stand. Let’s decide to follow our shepherd instead of the sheep. And when we hear him say “this is the way, walk in it,” we can walk boldly with confidence, knowing that our shepherd will be ever faithful, solid and strong, always leading us to beautiful places.

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He is the God who sees me.. the REAL me..

Some days I think I’m doing pretty good with this whole Christian life thing.

Prayed  today ✅

Loved my neighbor as myself ✅

Encouraged someone✅

Read my Bible✅

Others days are more like yesterday.

Forgot to pray 👎

Lost my cool on someone 👎

Ran out of time for quiet time 👎

Those days make me feel real good about myself. And the award for Most Devoted Follower goes to… not me.

I know I’m not alone. The enemy has a way of tricking us into a good verses bad mentality.

On days when I feel less than, God reminds me of his heart for me. He reminds me that the cross covers my good days and my bad ones.

He reminds me that no one is righteous and that even my good days don’t measure up.

He reminds me that the cross covers my humanity and that salvation covers it all.

My favorite thing he reminds me is that he is the God who sees me.. like REALLY sees me. The ugly, gross insides of me that I try not to see myself. He sees it all, but doesn’t define me by it. He sees the intricate parts of me and says “I love you so much.”

He reminds me each time that He sees me and that he’s got me. He encourages me with kindness and love to run towards him in my weakness.

And so, on days like yesterday, I’m encouraged and loved by the God who sees me and loves me the same. I’m encouraged to continue the race. I’m encouraged to stand on truth instead of feelings…and I stand on the finished work of the cross.

He sees us… he loves us… each part of us.. even the parts we deem unlovable. So today,  whether we are “good” or “bad,” we will run towards the God who sees us.

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~Jordan is a lover of Jesus.. her husband… laughter.. and sweet and creamy coffee.. She spends her days teaching littles and loving women through Beautifully Broken Ministries.

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